my phone needs a breathalizer
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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