Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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