READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
