He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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