Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
