paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
