somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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