I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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