1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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