Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need water and some morals
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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