i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
