I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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