i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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