If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
