everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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