The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
well you can't waste a boner
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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