dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
