he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we made out on top of his cat.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
