life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016