did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
