I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.