Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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