his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
