I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
home. puking in laundry basket.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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