i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Houston, we have a squirter
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
