a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
