it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
