also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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