maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
