I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
