just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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