Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
