So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
