Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
