You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
