If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
