if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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