I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
