I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
