Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
