Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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