u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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