I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's shark week go big or go home
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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