I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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