guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
