Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
