i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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