Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
