Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
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Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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