you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
