If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
