Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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