Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he thought i was a dude.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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