my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
