When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Soap is not a condiment
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
