so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
