Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
