I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
