Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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