my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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