take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
